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Just a Thought Archive

July 2007

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the chairmen of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The chairman of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the chairman of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks the chairman of Marston's what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, he orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Pedigree?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

June 2007

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Beer.

Beer is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Beer can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Beer almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living with Beer.

Beer may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Beer. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects of Beer may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and/or play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.

May 2007

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

Question:

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you’ve had too much beer.

John asks for a beer in a local pub.
Barman: "That'll be £4"
J: "What! It has always been £2..."
B: "Sorry - new rules - £2 for beer and £2 for EU"
J: "Here's your £4"
B: "And here's £2 back for you"
J: "Why so?"
B: "We have no beer..."

April 2007

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender says, "Hey pal, what's your hurry?" The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing. The bartender backs up and says what do you have. The man says about 50 pence!

"In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer." Dave Barry

February & March 2007

THE MAGICAL DANCING DUCK

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of £10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

"In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer." Dave Barry

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January 2007

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be three pounds." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At three pounds a beer, it's no wonder..."
A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

WARNING - "The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."

December 2006

"At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I
replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling".
-Anon

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says "You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants"
The pirate replies "Ay, it's drivin' me nuts"

November 2006

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions.
- Norm Peterson

"One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger." - Peter Kaye

October 2006

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy

WARNING: "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on"
--Dean Martin

September 2006

"The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV."

Homer Simpson. "

WARNING: "Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol."

August 2006:

"There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn."

 A quote from Dr Johnson.

WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

Prior to August 2006:

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~ Frank Sinatra 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman  

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?  I think not."
~ Stephen Wright  

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
" Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin  

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry  

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
To some it's a six-pack.  To me it's a Support Group.  Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell  

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this ... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."  

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
 

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